Jul 18, 2023
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Hi everybody, welcome to season 3, episode 7 of Fabulously Candice.
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We are slowly coming to the end. Of the fabulously Canada's podcast. Wild. And I'm in a different room today.
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I we've had a transformer blowout where I live and at our office and so I improvise so it's kind of a beautiful space and the lights coming in and The perfect time to have Nell and Beck's back on the podcast.
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How long has it been by the way? Has it been? Feels like it's been a year about.
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It's been more than a year because I remember we were in our bedroom in Wellington and we have actually left what New Zealand just about.
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Wow. Yes. Okay. Okay, so let me just give everybody an update and that we're gonna dive in, but yeah, I remember when we did that we loved it so much we said let's just do it again.
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We loved it so much. We said, let's just do it again. So I'm so happy we're doing it again.
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It's perfect. When we last met Nell and Beck, they were living in New Zealand, Bex was a doctor and Nell was a communications professional.
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Last year in July, 2,022 the couple moved to the US to be near Texas teenager whom they hadn't seen for 2 and a half years due to the COVID pandemic.
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Bex pronouns, they them now works for a nonprofit agency supporting people seeking affordable housing while now they them is a bus driver.
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I'm so curious about that job by the way. Backs and now have been together for 5 and a half years and married for 4 about 3 years ago Bex found out they were autistic and since that time now and backs have been on a journey of discovery learning how their different neurotypes interact and affect their communication intimacy
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with each other. Welcome back.
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Going you 2.
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It's such a good job with that bio. Okay, yeah, sorry. What?
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That's that on the video. Yeah.
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Yeah, we're on video. We're all on video right now. Yeah, well this is just how, this is just how it is.
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Something in my teeth. Just tell me now. I think you have a little seed in your teeth.
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Is it gone?
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People won't be able to see, I couldn't see it.
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No, it's fine. Oh, embarrassing. Yeah.
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Oh, okay. So here we are, right? How are you 2 doing?
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That's loaded. That's a loaded question. Isn't it?
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Well. I've just made a, I made a pledge after the last session that I would try not to talk.
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So I'm just gonna let try and let Bex answer everything. I think when we listen to the podcast now thought they had talked too much.
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Okay. I didn't feel that way.
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It is. Oh, thank you. I, yeah, I can't really remember. But today we're doing really well.
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We'll have a day off together, which is great. But it's been a really hard sort of slog coming here.
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Testing and it's been very hard. I think you know like our relationship is really It's been really good for our relationship because it's been really hard on us.
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Yeah, yeah, and so that's well, I think this is that's dissect that a little bit okay because for Folks listening, that's such a great.
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Just something I think it would be really great for us to dive into. I guess where I go is I would think it would be really hard on the relationship to have that significant of a move and then both career changes or job changes.
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And then just acclimating to life back in the states. So, but what I'm hearing is that perhaps it's Not been that.
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It's brought you, it's been good for you. So let's go there. What's been good about this?
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All the transitions.
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Well. So let's see. I had I had really wanted to leave clinical medicine.
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So it's an opportunity to do that. The hard thing, I mean, we saved a lot of money and then we came here and it's It was unbelievably hard to find housing and super expensive and hard to find.
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Work that. Had commensurate income and I applied for all sorts of online jobs never really got anywhere and
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You know, that either they just didn't want me or they didn't, weren't, you know, some remote jobs.
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I wanted to do something like medical writing or consulting or you know, but it's really hard like even before we left New Zealand to try and get a remote job and like.
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Put so much energy into these cover letters. In tailoring the CV for all the different positions that they applied for.
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I mean, you reckon there must have been over 50 jobs. You know, all the things they tell you on LinkedIn to do and, and then probably places that were either requiring people to go back to the office and but they were like in Washington DC or New York or whatever.
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Or you know you can't you can work remotely from lots of places but not Montana. I mean, and then we were in, we were in this place.
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So. I mean, there's a lot of layers like we were in this. Town that I where I moved from when I went to New Zealand.
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My ex and my kid. And. No, it's really small.
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It's very conservative. The cost of living has skyrocketed I think with COVID people went in like bought all these houses to live and work remotely and you know whatever at all Airbnb and and it was it's incredibly hard to find.
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How's housing and you know and I ended up my first job was working at Starbucks and then I was at this paper this printing factory putting
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Swag and boxes for and corporate swag. Yeah, and, it was a great job for me.
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I mean, I could go in. I mean, I could go in, I could, they let me wear my noise canceling headphones as a like.
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Good, good. Yeah.
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I mean, I could go in. I could, they let me wear my noise canceling headphones as a like a nationally they wouldn't because they are you can get run over by a forklift but when I proved to get run over by a forklift but when I proved to them that I could hear the
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forklift with my headphones. Then they were okay. Like you make your own schedule, you go in and you do your thing and you leave like it was perfect for an autistic person but not good for a person in their fifties who's starting to have like orthopedic issues and sore hand.
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Oh yeah, yep.
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Oh yeah, but anyway, because hands got all cut up, you know, sore and everything.
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It was winter as well. So very cold and no health insurance and that was another thing like coming back here and trying to navigate that.
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And your other job. Yeah, 3 jobs. And then I and then I also worked at the warming center in Livingston.
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And so this Yeah, that which was an overnight shelter for homeless people which closed halfway through the season because of lack of funding.
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So I was doing and that was evening night time work. It was and then now got a job in the school cafeteria.
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So I was the first to get a job. I got a job. Basically 2 days after we arrived because I just didn't feel confident.
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I didn't I couldn't sit still and just try and apply for remote work. And hope that I would get it.
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Like I just thought I have to get started on work and II didn't really want to do remote work.
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I wanted to work with Americans. So yeah, I started work in the high school kitchen. Doing, managing the cellar bar.
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Which you know the last time I worked in a kitchen was in my early twenties when I was at university.
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And. It was a shock. I mean, I was standing up for 8 plus hours a day having been previously like a sedentary worker.
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I remember getting home from work and my They felt like they were just on fire. I'd lie down in the shower and put them under the water because They, they, I think I described it to myself as like they.
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They throbbed, they hummed with pain. And so I felt like I was outputting like actual kind of sensory waves from my feet.
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Wow. That's a lot. It's a lot for the 2 of you.
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Yeah, anyway. No, that. And, and I cleaned houses on the side because I was only getting paid $15 82 an hour.
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So there was but the trauma part so there was My ex, I mean, I didn't realize, but being, I mean, I should have realized because I actually tried to go back in 2,016 for part of the time and it was just terrible for my mental health.
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That was before I met. You know, just almost like this PTSD kind of thing. I mean, the relationship is, it's sort of at a distance civil, but we aren't friends in any way.
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Like we don't and I can't get hooked into the stuff even just being there and then and One of the first like community things we went to was a school board meeting where they were discussing the fate of a librarian who back in May of 2,022.
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Had taught a lesson to third graders on pride and this was now in September so all summer so it was older than that.
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Was it only third grade? But it was just about prize. You know, it wasn't like.
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Oh yeah, yeah.
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Yeah, and but apparently the parents were up and on because she hadn't given requisite notice that this was gonna be.
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Yeah, what, yep.
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Hmm. Oh my.
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I mean, basically if you wanna do sex education, whatever. I mean, So we were at this like, like, like, all they were like, fire or fire her, you know.
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That sounds traumatic.
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Terrible and I mean like if this That was that was the start of a whole a series of I think traumatic.
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Events, basically. Oh, it's not it's not just coming from another country. It's we were We were being non-binary in a small Montana town.
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Small conservative right it's like Yeah.
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Yeah. And it's, yeah, and also a town where Bex's ex-wife sort of loomed quite large and has a has a picture framing shop on a corner of Green Street and so it's just kind of felt like You couldn't get away.
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Yeah, so we can move from there now. We've moved to a neighboring bigger town and it's much better.
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We've moved to Bozeman which is you know, a very short light from Salt Lake City.
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Better. Oh good! Hey hey!
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And it is better. It's, I mean, it's kind of suburban.
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Actually, I've never lived in a place like this and at first I was like, oh my gosh, but we can see the mountains and at first I was like, oh my gosh, but we can see the mountains and it feels, but we can see the mountains and it feels more anonymous and but it's not super crowded like
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a big city so it's it's kind of good. Like a big city. So it's kind of good.
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And you know, it's super expensive. So it's, it's kind of good. And you know, it's super expensive.
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It's probably, but it's actually not a lot. I mean, it used to be like.
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You were pay 3 times more for the same place here than in Livingston, but now it's just like maybe a few $100 more but not.
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Many times more. And, yeah, so I have a I have a better job now that they the organization that ran the warming center I really like the organization and I really want to keep working for them.
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So I took a job doing property management because that was the only thing sort of going available that was full time, had had benefits.
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And then, and that was in Livingston and then when we decided to move over here, I just magically out of the blue was approached to apply for this other job in Bozeman.
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Doing, case management for section 8 voucher. Recipients and that hasn't started yet.
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They have a with the same organization which also has a transport I mean they they do housing they do senior assistance they do senior assistance they do senior assistance they do early childhood education assistance they do early childhood education assistance they do early childhood education they do senior assistance they do early childhood education they they run a free public bus system
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which now can explain how that you know, early childhood education. They, they run a free public bus system, which no, no, can explain how that, you know, And.
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Yeah, so they have it's quite and it's quite a good organization and you know, they do a lot of good stuff.
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But helping people get housing in this community i mean it's a real need and it's
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Probably hugely frustrating. I am. I've read, Usually frustrating for well for the perspective tenants for the case managers for everyone who's involved trying to get people housing.
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And for the prospective tenants. With
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Yeah. Well, I love, I love, I'll just kind of break it down because Just even in that moment.
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Right. He is a mixed arrow type couple as Bex shared and now just ask for clarification. So I wanna start.
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Yeah, that's for that. That is something that I've really been learning to do. Like that's, I feel that's real progress that I've made.
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Well, that BX has helped me to make. Since we last spoke. Because I
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I mean II make immediate meaning out of stuff that Beck says. I mean, I do that with everyone.
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You know, just that's just my neurotransmitter brain works as someone says something, I make a meeting out of it and I decide that is what it means.
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But with a fix I'm learning will know it doesn't mean that and we we had an example today like a a text message.
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See, yeah, that's right. So Bix took the, their teenager to get a tattoo which end up panning out because the tattoo shop doesn't tattoo miners anymore.
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So they had to go to this other place. And the first thing Bex said in the text about it to me was The other tattoo place is between to dispensaries and smells of weed.
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So I was the first thing I noticed when I walked in. I guess I guess I relate information kind of like reported chronologically yeah chronologically walked into the place and the first thing I noticed was it smelled like wheat.
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So that's the first thing I told Nell about it because because the kids wanted to go to so we didn't end up getting the tattoo because we had to make an appointment and it's a long story.
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We had to have more documents. To get to for a 17 year old then we probably did to get green cards for them but and but the meaning I made of that I was I was like oh that doesn't sound like a good place to go.
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I was like, oh, that doesn't sound like a good place to go. So I texted back immediately and said, I texted back immediately and said, I don't think you should go to that place.
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And then Bex was like, why question Mark? I don't think you should go to that place.
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And then Bex was like, why question Mark? And I was like, What do you mean? Why?
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Because you've just told me it smells of feed and it's between dispensaries. I thought, oh hang on a minute.
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Fix isn't telling me that they think that they shouldn't go there. They're just telling me what they observe.
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Cause actually the place looked quite, I mean, I the second thing I noticed was it was roomy, it looked really inviting.
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It looked really clean. I did. I know because that's the thing I said, in big stuff, telling me. Oh, but, but why?
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It seems it seems nicer. It seems clean. Oh, but it but why? It seems it seems nicer. It seems clean. It's it's better than the other place.
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And I was like, oh, okay. I, so actually the responsibility is on me to see. Seek more information before I make an assessment.
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I just thought it was interesting that it smelled like weed because at first if it hadn't been for the dispensaries next door or the fact that weed is legal, I would have been like.
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And I'm, whoa, that's.
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Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I wanna say what I wanna say is if you look at it is the 2 of you in relationship, then it really is on both of you.
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And so No, I like how you're saying, okay, I can be. Aware of this.
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So maybe if I need to ask for Clarification with through the text I can do that and then Bex also You know, I do what you do, similar brain.
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I will literally just say something mid-sentence. I will leave out the front end and so Chris is like what are you okay wait where What are we even talking about, right?
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Yeah, because So that that sentence you could have been saying that like 3 min earlier and for you you've been able to remember the first part of it and then you've just picked up where you left off.
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Yes. Yes. Yeah.
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And then because yeah, there's and so maybe Chris, I'm just like. Okay, I have to think back.
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What would it like those, like but you like those toys that you can put together with like you don't wanna put legs together or 2 arms.
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Yeah, that's all right.
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Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, when they have the magnets it's like they yeah And so I just love that awareness of, okay, I can ask clarifying questions and then vex also being aware of.
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You know, and that there's like this pause that comes in like oh I said that okay maybe I could add this pause that comes in like oh I said that okay maybe I could add this in right so it's like
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Have you open? Where have I? Well like what Candice does. I just want to know if you are aware of that and if you do try and do it.
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I'm not really sure what it is. I'm sorry.
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I love that. I love that you're asking for Clarification because again, this is where this is where I'm such an advocate for we're humans we all have different neurotypes and so it's not up to one or the other to to fix how we communicate.
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It's up to all of us. So the 3 of us are having a conversation how beautiful that you're wanting me to clarify.
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Just make something up.
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Which is really that awareness of and really I'm not. I'm not saying that you're doing this.
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I'm just giving a suggestion. This is like a free therapy session on a podcast, which is you know, if Nell says, oh my, you know, it's between 2 dispensaries.
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Well, don't go there, then it's just pausing and reading what you said. He was like, oh, I left out.
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You know, I, perhaps I left out, right?
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Well, that's what I did. I mean, I Yeah, like a Y and, and then, oh, okay, yes, I should explain that actually.
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And we wasn't really bothers. It was just, but you didn't put on that that prefix off.
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Oh, right. I should explain. You just put. Well, it seems nice and it seems this and it seems that and I have to What I'm saying?
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Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I guess, see, yeah, cause I look at Canada says that because sometimes I feel like it's the way as the neurotypical person.
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I feel like I have Yep. I feel like I've got privilege, so I have to do more work than you.
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Good awareness, okay.
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Oh. And sometimes I feel really sort of. Off by that you know like I don't want to but except that you know autistic people get a really tough time in the world and so most of the time I'm happy to do it but just sometimes I think Oh, I can't like what Ken has just said, you know, Candice does this with her own
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partner so you could do that too.
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Well, and I'm not perfect. I will tell you. I mean, Chris and I, the thing that saves Chris and I is humor because he'll He'll repeat back what I say and then I'm like Did I really just say that?
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Well, I think I think that's, I think that's, yeah, humor and, humor is great.
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So, because it's awareness because like if II mean, I guess I could look back at the text.
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I don't know. I was in the bathroom. I was actually sitting on the target. Jeez, I had no idea.
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I thought you were in an aisle. No. And,
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Let's, I just love that the whole world knows that Bax was on the can, the toilet.
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That's why I get you on your phone. That seems quite grubby. But I don't know.
00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:42.000
I'm, I'm not always aware. I mean, II mean, I just.
00:21:42.000 --> 00:21:51.000
I'm not always aware that my communication isn't. Well, then it isn't clear because I think I'm being very direct, like, but it is always clear.
00:21:51.000 --> 00:21:52.000
00:21:52.000 --> 00:22:02.000
Oh, let's pause with that. Let's pause because that's such an important statement that I want everyone to hear.
00:22:02.000 --> 00:22:10.000
Because that I agree with you with me where I am direct to like tell me just tell me just tell me tell it like it is, right?
00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:20.000
I'll say that or I'll tell it like it is. And that awareness of Okay, I might be direct, but it's not necessarily clear all the time.
00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:28.000
And that's just beautiful awareness. What I what I love too is We're taking out that.
00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:36.000
The responsibility of the responsibilities on Nell, you know, is the non autistic person or the responsibilities on backs as the autistic person.
00:22:36.000 --> 00:22:45.000
It's like, no. It's on all parties. It's all of our responsibility and.
00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:57.000
Does that take a lot of work? Yeah, because I think it's easy sometimes to either stuff our feelings and not say anything and just walk around resentful, right?
00:22:57.000 --> 00:23:11.000
Or project onto the other person that frustration. So I love that now just said. You know, I feel like I have privilege and so I do feel and at my words kind of burdened time at times like, okay, I've got to be the one.
00:23:11.000 --> 00:23:19.000
That's being, you know, patient and aware. And, but what about Becks too, right?
00:23:19.000 --> 00:23:20.000
00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:25.000
Yeah. Try hard. I mean, I, yeah, when you point it out, I don't always.
00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:37.000
I guess notice. No, but you really do take on board. Feedback. I mean, I think Probably that's to our advantage that we both take on feedback quite well, don't you think?
00:23:37.000 --> 00:23:38.000
00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:42.000
Well, let's pot let's pause there too because this is what I love about having the 2 of you on a podcast.
00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:53.000
It really ends up being like a therapy session and the 2 of you really demonstrate beautifully for a mixed neurotype couple and those that are listening that are mixed neurotype couples.
00:23:53.000 --> 00:24:02.000
Just how validation of the other person and acknowledgement of what the other person is doing well. Feeds the relationship.
00:24:02.000 --> 00:24:07.000
What I saw with Bex as I was observing was some kind of like a little bit my words.
00:24:07.000 --> 00:24:17.000
So maybe there was an energy I saw just I don't want you to feel shame at all or bad at all because it's like, oh my gosh, You know, I'm not doing this, you know, all the time.
00:24:17.000 --> 00:24:29.000
And so I love how Nell just naturally said but I feel like we do and I feel like you know just naturally said but I feel like we do and I feel like you you know just so such a That those little nuggets of complements.
00:24:29.000 --> 00:24:40.000
Those are what build and strengthen a relationship. Right? Yeah.
00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:41.000
00:24:41.000 --> 00:24:47.000
Yeah. I mean, you know, Nice and partner. But apparently it has to be generally irritating.
00:24:47.000 --> 00:24:48.000
We all are.
00:24:48.000 --> 00:25:07.000
Well yeah, I mean you I can feel. Yeah, no, I mean, I think you. Yeah, you You're pretty, you're pretty special, I think.
00:25:07.000 --> 00:25:08.000
00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:17.000
I really, I mean, I really feel like. No has gone the extra mile and See me and You know, I mean, I just think about like, but honestly, we've had like we've had our most testing of times since we came to Montana.
00:25:17.000 --> 00:25:18.000
Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure.
00:25:18.000 --> 00:25:28.000
That you know like with I'm just so glad that we've managed to grow from it because we've had time where we've behaved very badly.
00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:35.000
I've behaved really badly. And. It's been terrible, you know?
00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:42.000
Yeah, yeah. Well, and I'll just say as also a human that there are times where I behave really badly too and Chris behaves really badly.
00:25:42.000 --> 00:25:48.000
You know where we say things or we might end up yelling at each other and it's like.
00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:57.000
We throw out all the things we know that we could use to make it better because we're just having a strong reaction to something and that's part of being human right.
00:25:57.000 --> 00:26:12.000
Hi, yeah. I think that's the other thing is like we, you know, we have such a strong bond and it's been it's often felt like you know I mean I feel like If this doesn't work, nothing will.
00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:18.000
You know, I mean, I go to I go there, you know, and II think another thing that's been really hard.
00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:27.000
Let's, that's amplified the difficulty is. That we hear with You know, we came here for Bics as good and that whole situation.
00:26:27.000 --> 00:26:37.000
Really has not worked out the way we had hoped or envisaged. You know, we've become this beautiful family and we'd have half the time with them and it would all be sweet.
00:26:37.000 --> 00:26:50.000
And hasn't worked out like that at all. But we've also got my daughter.
00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:51.000
00:26:51.000 --> 00:26:54.000
And she, so, so we're managing. A blended family situation with her and we have her all the time whereas before She went to her dad's half the time and so we would get time alone.
00:26:54.000 --> 00:27:08.000
But now we don't have that and she's been She has her own response to to I mean she's her own type of neuro divergence we believe she might have ADHD and we're getting her assist for that.
00:27:08.000 --> 00:27:27.000
And so she and Bex interact in a like ADHD whatever I mean over stimulates me I mean I hats off to people who are both because God I can't even imagine what my brain would be like because I was diagnosed with ADHD years ago, but I actually don't think that
00:27:27.000 --> 00:27:28.000
00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:34.000
that's. I think it was autism the whole time and I. Actually, I mean, there might be a little bit, but I can't.
00:27:34.000 --> 00:27:46.000
I yeah, so and my Autistic brain drives a lot of nuts and we yeah, so there's been there have been significant crises.
00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:54.000
Dynamic crises and Lola has been said things to me like, oh I just don't know how you can be with Bex.
00:27:54.000 --> 00:28:11.000
I mean, I, you know, you should, you should leave them. You know you should. Big, you know, of Bex has like a meltdown about something that's happened with Lola or I mean, It really has been.
00:28:11.000 --> 00:28:18.000
I mean those things happened in New Zealand but they've been so much Excuse me more pronounced here and
00:28:18.000 --> 00:28:24.000
Yeah, they're compounded. So let me, now I'm taking notes. So we're really in a free.
00:28:24.000 --> 00:28:33.000
Live session. So I'm gonna actually just respond to everything that you're saying. Okay, first I wanna say back because I've also had that.
00:28:33.000 --> 00:28:44.000
If I can't get it right in this relationship. So I'm with you. I get it, right?
00:28:44.000 --> 00:28:45.000
00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:47.000
I think that I just, I just want you to know I get it. Okay, and then when Nell said, hey, we're gonna move here and things are gonna be great, right?
00:28:47.000 --> 00:29:03.000
Bex will be closer to child and things will just be great and then they're not. Chris and I had a very similar situation where We said, you know, the first of last year, oh my gosh, let's get a house in the state, this other state to be closer to our daughter.
00:29:03.000 --> 00:29:07.000
So his daughters, my stepdaughters, I like to say our daughters. And it just backfired.
00:29:07.000 --> 00:29:10.000
00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:18.000
Okay, shit hit the fan. It backfired in the relationship actually diminished so that so what we realized but it brought Chris and I closer together.
00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:26.000
And what we realized was it, you know what, it's like the relation, us being here in a different state.
00:29:26.000 --> 00:29:36.000
A lot and that space actually gives us an opportunity to have a relationship. Whereas when we're right there, it just is too challenging because of the X and so on.
00:29:36.000 --> 00:29:40.000
And doesn't matter if they're 32. Doesn't matter if they're adults.
00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:45.000
There's always a parent, you know, and so for us, We got closer, so I wanna say that.
00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:48.000
00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:58.000
Well, yeah, right. The other thing I wanna say about, so really just to validate now when you're talking about
00:29:58.000 --> 00:30:20.000
The crises and the challenges how normal it is when you are you are sharing a child with someone and it goes from that to having the child full-time again it doesn't matter how old you know if your daughter is 7 it just doesn't matter it's going to create a lot of stress on the dynamic with that your child
00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:38.000
and also with your relationship because they're there all the time. And so I really want to normalize that and just validate it and It's also just a test because I don't know that I've met a step child that's liked the step parent.
00:30:38.000 --> 00:30:55.000
My stepdaughter's, you know. If they listen to this, they listen to it. I love my stepdaughters and I also know that my stepdaughter's love they love me and they hate me and it just depends on the day and I'm not surprised when they're mad at me.
00:30:55.000 --> 00:31:02.000
I'm not surprised anymore if they're throwing me under the bus. I don't care that this is live because I've actually said that before to them.
00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:13.000
It's like. If so, and so is upset, I'm not surprised. Like I'm just because really as a step parent we can't win and we're never going to win.
00:31:13.000 --> 00:31:14.000
00:31:14.000 --> 00:31:22.000
But it but the opportunity now And I'm probably preaching to the choir here with what I'm gonna say next is that.
00:31:22.000 --> 00:31:27.000
You just show your daughter we're a unified front and Bex isn't going anywhere.
00:31:27.000 --> 00:31:43.000
That's right. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, and that's that's so that's pretty much I mean to talk about something quite sort of personal like I mean obviously We want to have sex.
00:31:43.000 --> 00:31:44.000
That'd be hard.
00:31:44.000 --> 00:31:46.000
Like. We met. We both for the 6 is a healthy part of an intimate relationship. Okay.
00:31:46.000 --> 00:31:53.000
00:31:53.000 --> 00:32:03.000
And, and our committed relationship and we, you know, we declared that to each other up front when we, like, we really did this big talk and we both agreed that 6 was very important to both of us.
00:32:03.000 --> 00:32:26.000
We've both been in situations where the sexual side of the relationship was very problematic and we didn't want that.
00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:27.000
00:32:27.000 --> 00:32:36.000
So coming here, not having Lola go away half the time, we still wanna have 6. And so, It's become, it's coming to the family.
00:32:36.000 --> 00:32:37.000
00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:40.000
Conversation of like, oh, Nell and Bex have sex and you know, oh god I heard them having sex and the 2 the 2 kids have talked about it but because we haven't seen Kai very Well, before we moved over here from the small town, we weren't we weren't seeing her very much because she was in
00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:58.000
a play and just it made sense for her to be with her mom. But basically Lola started commenting on our 6 life like you know that I mean and honestly you could like we're living in this house where it's completely unsound proof.
00:32:58.000 --> 00:33:08.000
And we are so quiet. Like, we have got our 6 life. At the audio from our 6 life.
00:33:08.000 --> 00:33:16.000
We have decreased it to almost 0 0 disables I believe And yet, Lola. We'll still say.
00:33:16.000 --> 00:33:22.000
I can't believe you had to do that this morning. I mean, trust me, it's not like we're doing it as much as we could or would like to.
00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:29.000
We just like do it when we you know feel like we've got the opportunity and we do it.
00:33:29.000 --> 00:33:38.000
And like so this morning she was like. I can't believe you. Yeah, I mean, did you really have to start my day off by doing that?
00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:53.000
Like start her day off? 7 6 and I said, okay, we live in an apartment complex. There are a lot of other activities available to you like there's a swimming pool, there's a sparkle, there's a gym, you can do something else rather than be tortured and your room.
00:33:53.000 --> 00:34:08.000
Bearing witness to something that you don't wanna Be a witness too. You know, I mean, honestly, I feel like she must have had her ear pressed up to a glass against the door because I just don't know how to even heard anything.
00:34:08.000 --> 00:34:09.000
00:34:09.000 --> 00:34:13.000
Yeah, yes, yeah, there's a couple things I think about. Number one, number one is like I would just purchase a sound machine.
00:34:13.000 --> 00:34:17.000
I had purchased a sound machine on Amazon. So we have sound machines. I'm gonna show you.
00:34:17.000 --> 00:34:19.000
Know what's going on. Yeah.
00:34:19.000 --> 00:34:24.000
I'm gonna show you what they are. It's just, yeah, it's the therapy.
00:34:24.000 --> 00:34:27.000
So we have, can you see it? So I'm gonna turn it on.
00:34:27.000 --> 00:34:29.000
Oh, it looks like a toilet. Well, we could probably just turn on the fan.
00:34:29.000 --> 00:34:32.000
Can you hear it?
00:34:32.000 --> 00:34:34.000
I can't hear it.
00:34:34.000 --> 00:34:39.000
Okay, it's a sound machine. You can get it on Amazon. And.
00:34:39.000 --> 00:34:44.000
It works great. You could also turn the fan on. I yeah, I mean if
00:34:44.000 --> 00:34:48.000
Play noise as you know so
00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:54.000
And the reality is that, yep, we are, you know, we are going to be having sex that's part of a relationship.
00:34:54.000 --> 00:35:00.000
Do you want to talk about? Do you need any information just in general about sex? Lola, okay.
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:01.000
Yeah, I mean, it should be like, no. Yeah.
00:35:01.000 --> 00:35:09.000
You know, okay, do you know, cause this is Yeah, no. And the second thing is Lola, what are you concerned about?
00:35:09.000 --> 00:35:15.000
What's the concern for you? Like what's the deeper issue here?
00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:23.000
Yeah, so cause what happens with the so this is an example of a situation where things can go horribly wrong for us as a family unit.
00:35:23.000 --> 00:35:24.000
00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:35.000
So because I try and respond from a place of like II didn't think to ask you what your concern is because yeah, I try and get this.
00:35:35.000 --> 00:35:36.000
Now you have it. Now you have a tip.
00:35:36.000 --> 00:35:51.000
I do. I have a tip. I try and go into my therapist self but obviously I'm not a therapist so I don't do very well at that but we're but I try and like come from a place of sexes and as a healthy part of a relationship.
00:35:51.000 --> 00:36:01.000
This is something you'll discover when you have your own relationship. And. But Bix gets really angry.
00:36:01.000 --> 00:36:02.000
Is it anchor backs? What is it anger? Is it anger?
00:36:02.000 --> 00:36:14.000
Well, I perceive it as it may not be, but I think you just anger it. I mean, the like there's Anger hurt.
00:36:14.000 --> 00:36:23.000
I don't know like Like you find it rude. I find it rude. I find it like I find it really an objectionable attitude.
00:36:23.000 --> 00:36:29.000
Like I can't even, I can't even tell them where it's like okay for a teenager to comment on their parents sex life I mean I wouldn't have dreamed of such a thing.
00:36:29.000 --> 00:36:33.000
00:36:33.000 --> 00:36:42.000
If I had if I were living with roommates. Unless they were like keeping me awake. I mean, I'd be too embarrassed to.
00:36:42.000 --> 00:36:43.000
How many other sex life you know like And.
00:36:43.000 --> 00:36:56.000
Sure, sure. Yeah, I can hear that. So I wanna I wanna say I absolutely hear that back and it's actually quite common.
00:36:56.000 --> 00:36:57.000
00:36:57.000 --> 00:37:08.000
For teenagers especially nowadays to let everyone know how they feel about everything. Okay. So, but I also want to validate the parts of you using a little bit of internal family systems language that are angry, right, that are like shocked and hurt.
00:37:08.000 --> 00:37:20.000
Really valid. Really valid parts of you that are experiencing that because you know, if you think about it, why are those feelings come up coming up for you?
00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:26.000
The hurt. Let's, I mean, are you open to just seeing like why is the hurt coming up?
00:37:26.000 --> 00:37:39.000
Well, cause like the first I mean the there's It's almost like there is a bit of rivalry between Lola and I, and I am trying to be very mindful of that because I know that's very stressful for now.
00:37:39.000 --> 00:37:47.000
So I, you know, try to take a step back from that because I know that's very stressful for now.
00:37:47.000 --> 00:37:48.000
So I, you know, that's very stressful for now. So I, you know, try to take a step back and look at that.
00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:54.000
But then I think But this is. I mean, this is an important relationship.
00:37:54.000 --> 00:37:55.000
00:37:55.000 --> 00:38:05.000
I mean, I, I feel I that's a good question because I
00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:13.000
I just say something just while you think you can collect your thoughts. I just wanna say like the last time we had sex was over 2 weeks ago.
00:38:13.000 --> 00:38:14.000
Long time ago.
00:38:14.000 --> 00:38:17.000
So it's not like we're subjecting Lola to. You know.
00:38:17.000 --> 00:38:22.000
Yeah. No. Oh no. Well, and here, let's just kind of even reframe that.
00:38:22.000 --> 00:38:23.000
00:38:23.000 --> 00:38:28.000
You know, let's reframe that too because you're not subject to Lola to anything.
00:38:28.000 --> 00:38:36.000
Right? The reality is, is you're both being incredibly conscientious like overboard to where it's like, okay, there's no sound whatsoever.
00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:40.000
That's why I was like, turn a fan on so that like literally, I mean, I would just.
00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:43.000
Very my head and a pillow. Yeah.
00:38:43.000 --> 00:38:52.000
Yeah, it's like you're doing everything. I also wanna validate Bex for you that and just kind of that curiosity for you that you're like, wow, why am I hurt?
00:38:52.000 --> 00:39:03.000
And I think you said something that may perhaps as a trial head to explore, on maybe on your own work, which is This relationship is really important to me.
00:39:03.000 --> 00:39:19.000
With Nell. And so what we said earlier, you know, I think Nell said it, which is Lola has really struggled with you and has said at times get rid of Becks basically and so You know, it's just.
00:39:19.000 --> 00:39:34.000
Already it's like you have this history. You know, in your life of adult diagnostic, there's intersectionality with like gender and sexuality and and and now you have someone in your house that's a bully now teenagers can be bullies.
00:39:34.000 --> 00:39:49.000
I just want to say for all of everybody on the planet that has a teenager, holy cow. Really awful bullies and even no matter how old we are It hurts.
00:39:49.000 --> 00:39:52.000
Sometimes what they say is so cruel.
00:39:52.000 --> 00:39:59.000
Lola can be really cruel to me. That's the other thing. We can.
00:39:59.000 --> 00:40:02.000
So, I mean, I, in this case, I mean, I, did a good thing, I think.
00:40:02.000 --> 00:40:07.000
I mean, this is things that I do these things that I'm like, okay, I'm gonna commit myself.
00:40:07.000 --> 00:40:13.000
To behaving better. When I do it, I expect to pat on the back, but I don't get it.
00:40:13.000 --> 00:40:14.000
00:40:14.000 --> 00:40:17.000
But anyway, I'm sorry. II shut the bathroom door. I mean the bedroom door.
00:40:17.000 --> 00:40:18.000
I mean the bedroom door. I mean we have an en suite bathroom. It's great. I shut the bathroom door. I mean, we have an en suite bathroom. It's great.
00:40:18.000 --> 00:40:25.000
I mean, we have an en suite bathroom. It's great. I mean, we live in a in our master bedroom is probably big enough for actually us to live in.
00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:29.000
Wow, okay, that's cool.
00:40:29.000 --> 00:40:30.000
00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:32.000
It's a time. It's like a tiny house. Yeah, but, I shut the door.
00:40:32.000 --> 00:40:41.000
Now it's slammed because of the wind coming in and it sounded like I slammed the door so granted. But anyway, I didn't mean to sign the door. It slammed.
00:40:41.000 --> 00:40:49.000
I shut the door. I, you know, had my and I sat and sat there and I sort of started thinking like what is going on here.
00:40:49.000 --> 00:40:58.000
And I actually thought, you know, I actually do like you said like teenagers will say everything that's on their minds like the they actually have too much power.
00:40:58.000 --> 00:41:05.000
I mean, I don't know. Like I feel like I'm really old-fashioned and then I start feeling like I'm channeling my parents and I don't want to do that.
00:41:05.000 --> 00:41:06.000
00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:16.000
But. Fine for Lola to have her feelings. That's okay. But it's not fine for her to take her feelings and make them our problem or to put them on us.
00:41:16.000 --> 00:41:20.000
00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:31.000
Yes, we sing it all the time.
00:41:31.000 --> 00:41:32.000
00:41:32.000 --> 00:41:38.000
And then I started thinking about some stuff that happens on social media where people say really Like, you know, I mean, I'm, I'm just flabbergasted at like some of the stuff with autistic people being transphobic and I've run into a couple of those things today or recently.
00:41:38.000 --> 00:41:39.000
00:41:39.000 --> 00:41:43.000
I mean, that's maybe one of the things is like. First thing this morning, one of my friends on LinkedIn posts a Message said have you.
00:41:43.000 --> 00:41:45.000
00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:52.000
Have you seen this? This is what basically 2 different mutual connections, not not somebody I know personally, but people I follow because Good stuff.
00:41:52.000 --> 00:41:56.000
Sure. Yeah, yeah.
00:41:56.000 --> 00:42:02.000
And I'm like, okay, I, I in my head compared Lola to that.
00:42:02.000 --> 00:42:09.000
In in the sense of like Lola has opinions. It's perfectly valid to have opinions, but I don't really need to engage with them.
00:42:09.000 --> 00:42:19.000
And in my in my opinion, a 16 year old commenting on my sex life when I'm not trying very hard to be respectful or you know telling us that we shouldn't have it.
00:42:19.000 --> 00:42:34.000
Telling us, telling us a lot of things like that we shouldn't be. Visible from the open window from the street that we shouldn't that we shouldn't talk with the door open because people can hear us and we had Lola go out to the street and stand there.
00:42:34.000 --> 00:42:35.000
Nell talked about specifically about the street and stand there. And we had Lola go out to the street and stand there.
00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:41.000
The street and stand there. Well, and now talked about specifically about geraniums just to see if we'll and well, it's like I heard you talking I said what did we talk about?
00:42:41.000 --> 00:42:42.000
00:42:42.000 --> 00:42:46.000
Well, I don't know about specifically about geraniums just to see if we'll and well it's like I heard you talking I said what what did we talk about? Well I don't know. You know what kind of what kind of flower did we mention?
00:42:46.000 --> 00:42:51.000
No, you know And.
00:42:51.000 --> 00:42:52.000
00:42:52.000 --> 00:43:02.000
Yes, yes. So, Bex, what you're saying. Is boundaries. And boundaries are so healthy because children no matter how they how old they are need boundaries and consistency and structure and safety.
00:43:02.000 --> 00:43:12.000
So it is okay to say. You're entitled to your opinion. You don't. I love how Nell said there are many activities that you can go do at the first sign.
00:43:12.000 --> 00:43:17.000
That you sense. You just sense. Oh, I heard a little noise. They must be having sex.
00:43:17.000 --> 00:43:19.000
Yeah. Yeah. That's right.
00:43:19.000 --> 00:43:31.000
Leave the house then. You're 16. You're 16 leave the house and I also and I also like and think it's okay to say you're entitled to your opinion and your feelings.
00:43:31.000 --> 00:43:36.000
And you don't get to be hurtful about it. Right.
00:43:36.000 --> 00:43:42.000
That's that's such a good way of putting it. Yeah, cause I yeah, that's
00:43:42.000 --> 00:43:49.000
I think I see it this morning. You are, what did II wish you'd heard what I see.
00:43:49.000 --> 00:44:01.000
I felt I'd said some really good things like you're entitled to. Have, I know it looks a lot of us being very, I found she was being very rich.
00:44:01.000 --> 00:44:02.000
Yeah, block it out.
00:44:02.000 --> 00:44:12.000
I don't sit by the door with a glass. Actually, Yeah, the way she was speaking to me was very, was very unkind and rude and I said Sh, that's right.
00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:17.000
And I said, you don't need to speak to me and that's sarcastic way.
00:44:17.000 --> 00:44:21.000
And she said, oh, I'm allowed to speak to you however I like. And I said, Okay.
00:44:21.000 --> 00:44:25.000
Well, I'm also at Liverpool, not to engage with you when you speak to me like that.
00:44:25.000 --> 00:44:38.000
No, so good. See, I'm not I don't have the I don't have the mental capacity to think of those things as while you were the communications professional but also you're just a better parent.
00:44:38.000 --> 00:44:41.000
Well, I, but I like that saying of, what did you say, Candice?
00:44:41.000 --> 00:44:42.000
00:44:42.000 --> 00:44:46.000
Well, it's, oh, you're entitled to have your feelings and you know, you don't get to be hurtful about it.
00:44:46.000 --> 00:44:50.000
00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:51.000
00:44:51.000 --> 00:44:55.000
It's like you don't get to hurt others with right. It's like how you That's the thing and I liked how you said it too.
00:44:55.000 --> 00:44:56.000
00:44:56.000 --> 00:45:04.000
Right? It's like. But what I wanna acknowledge and I hopefully maybe perhaps your daughter will never ever hear this.
00:45:04.000 --> 00:45:05.000
00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:14.000
She won't. Makes it's about lame old people. That's right. Cause we told her that we were doing the podcast and she was and we described to the podcast and she I think she looked you up and she said She has one listener.
00:45:14.000 --> 00:45:20.000
No, 10 listeners. That's on Spotify. So I'm sure you have. That's right.
00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:25.000
She looks you up on Spotify and and so she just thinks that we do the same stuff. And so she just thinks that we do this lame stuff.
00:45:25.000 --> 00:45:26.000
I mean, even you know.
00:45:26.000 --> 00:45:35.000
That's so funny. Well, what's funny is the follower thing that everyone's obsessed with having, you know, which is so funny.
00:45:35.000 --> 00:45:50.000
I'm sure more than people listen to this podcast.
00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:51.000
00:45:51.000 --> 00:45:57.000
The world is such a matrix. And. Oh, I'm positive of that. I really have compassion for the 2 of you because what I wanna say is Lola is being incredibly cruel and disrespectful and you know when a teenager when a teenager says something like Because Lola's not actually, I've heard it
00:45:57.000 --> 00:46:02.000
from so many teenagers. I mean, just where I can, I could talk to you the way I want to.
00:46:02.000 --> 00:46:06.000
And that's where it just gets a neutral, you know, as neutral as you can be boundary.
00:46:06.000 --> 00:46:23.000
Well, I don't have to engage with you. You know, or well, there's the door or, you know, okay, whatever the boundary is so that they understand that that is not okay.
00:46:23.000 --> 00:46:24.000
00:46:24.000 --> 00:46:28.000
You know, that is absolutely not okay. And the deeper issue that might be going on is this transition, right?
00:46:28.000 --> 00:46:29.000
I think so.
00:46:29.000 --> 00:46:48.000
It's a new place. A news, if Lola was in New Zealand and now is in Montana and it's They'll change your friend groups and change of schools and so might have some some deeper issues of anger that's unresolved at this all these transitions and
00:46:48.000 --> 00:46:49.000
00:46:49.000 --> 00:46:51.000
Well, which she wanted to make. She wanted to, she was, I mean, she was the first person I spoke to.
00:46:51.000 --> 00:47:04.000
About coming here. I actually asked her before I spoke to Bex I said how would you feel if we went tried to go and live in America for a. That was my kid. It was Nell's idea.
00:47:04.000 --> 00:47:05.000
00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:14.000
I never, it was my idea to come. In Lola was so totally keen on it but I think what you're saying is very valid because we have moved towns so Lola's left she went to that small town school for a year.
00:47:14.000 --> 00:47:18.000
00:47:18.000 --> 00:47:27.000
00:47:27.000 --> 00:47:28.000
00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:35.000
Now she's gonna go to a different high school with a with it so she's gonna have screens, a much she's very conscious that we we chose this apartment complex because she can walk to school like it's only mile away so she can easily all through the winter.
00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:36.000
00:47:36.000 --> 00:47:42.000
And the footpaths are plowed you know it's very it's very easy So she's conscious that we are actually on display to her potential friend group.
00:47:42.000 --> 00:47:51.000
And that, you know, a big standing in the hallway and the towel. Well, God, what if people like see Lola, remember Lola when she gets to school?
00:47:51.000 --> 00:48:07.000
Remember that she came out of that house with the person in the towel. 6.
00:48:07.000 --> 00:48:08.000
00:48:08.000 --> 00:48:13.000
Yes, well and if so the fear yeah the fear of being judged or bullying Lola's at an age where you know, she's also just potentially insecure or just you know exploring like what does it mean to for me to be sexual.
00:48:13.000 --> 00:48:18.000
I mean, there's 16 as a hard age, right? And like you said, that's starting a new school.
00:48:18.000 --> 00:48:21.000
I mean, there's 16 as a hard age, right? And like you said, that's starting a hard age, right?
00:48:21.000 --> 00:48:32.000
And like you said, that starting a new school and what will people think and wanting to fit in? Which we know in the trauma when we look at trauma we know that when folks and autistic folks actually autistic ADHD folks actually do this quite often where we try and fit in.
00:48:32.000 --> 00:48:38.000
We're trying to figure out the setting. We're fawning to try be liked, all 3 of those.
00:48:38.000 --> 00:48:46.000
Fit in the category of a sympathetic response in our autonomic nervous system, which is Trauma, it's a trauma response.
00:48:46.000 --> 00:48:55.000
So what's happening is these deeper wounds that are probably been activated inside Lola. Hi, I could be wrong, but I'm gonna go over here.
00:48:55.000 --> 00:49:10.000
Are showing up as anger. Because anger feels safer. It's just it's just safer than feeling really vulnerable and in reality there probably needs to be a good cry with Nell.
00:49:10.000 --> 00:49:24.000
He does and I saw that this morning and you know see so what happens is Lola's comes out Lola says these things out of these things that reflect the wounds but they come out angrily and then Bex responds also angrily.
00:49:24.000 --> 00:49:32.000
So there's a big, but where if I can just have time alone with Lola. I mean this morning when she was talking to me she actually had tears.
00:49:32.000 --> 00:49:39.000
I could tell she had tears in her eyes that she was saying. How come? You get to.
00:49:39.000 --> 00:49:44.000
Basically it was about I want more time with you like because I work so much in my with my driving.
00:49:44.000 --> 00:49:47.000
00:49:47.000 --> 00:49:53.000
I've been doing like over 50 HA week. So that time together that we used to have, we no longer have.
00:49:53.000 --> 00:49:59.000
And when I am at home I'm incredibly tired and I basically just need to like have dinner and go to bed.
00:49:59.000 --> 00:50:06.000
So she's Yeah, she's really feeling that and that's where it's coming from.
00:50:06.000 --> 00:50:18.000
There you go. So beautiful awareness and I think it's okay for you and Bex to have Perhaps an agreement between each other where it's like, I love you, you know, we're good.
00:50:18.000 --> 00:50:30.000
Can you just give me some time to talk with Lola? I can see the tears. So some sort of like whether it's a little code statement or you know, just something where it's like.
00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:31.000
Like something where you both know
00:50:31.000 --> 00:50:42.000
That's something that I am aware of and I try to get that space partly because I know it's important and partly because I know it's important.
00:50:42.000 --> 00:50:43.000
00:50:43.000 --> 00:50:44.000
Be present for that. I mean, I don't think it's appropriate for me to be present for that really.
00:50:44.000 --> 00:51:02.000
And I don't want to hear it because I don't know. It just I mean, it just magnifies to me that like, I mean, I guess I'll struggle with feeling like I'm a complete outsider in this dyad of Nell and Lola.
00:51:02.000 --> 00:51:17.000
And what I wanna reassure you with is again, this is such a common dynamic. When there goes when you have a child that you're sharing time with another parent that moves in full time.
00:51:17.000 --> 00:51:18.000
00:51:18.000 --> 00:51:25.000
So Bex, I really want to validate that for you that of course right now with this transition and the bat like getting kind of attacked.
00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:40.000
That you would feel like an outsider and what you're physically seeing in the world seeing because it's on video is that now is comforting you.
00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:41.000
Yeah, I mean.
00:51:41.000 --> 00:51:45.000
So just. See if you can embody that knowing, yeah. Nails here for you and you are you're unified you're just both trying to navigate a new situation that's challenging.
00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:53.000
Oh, I mean, and this is one of the things I find the most hard is when Bex says things like Well, I'm just going to leave.
00:51:53.000 --> 00:52:03.000
I'm not, I don't have a place in this family and I just feel like it's so devastated by that because Just family is nothing without Becks.
00:52:03.000 --> 00:52:07.000
00:52:07.000 --> 00:52:08.000
00:52:08.000 --> 00:52:12.000
I mean, where Like my life would be just. I mean I just can't even bear to think of my life if Bex was suddenly no longer in it, you know?
00:52:12.000 --> 00:52:13.000
00:52:13.000 --> 00:52:30.000
And I also Feel free for 6 days and then go. Oh, well, I feel that Lola actually Love, I know that Lola loves Bex and Lola values Bex and her life and in Lola's life And I mean, I see the 2 of them.
00:52:30.000 --> 00:52:46.000
They cook together. They talk together. They talk like really intensely about issues and stuff that I'm just like, I couldn't even give a fuck, I just want to zone out and go and like a Facebook marketplace, you know.
00:52:46.000 --> 00:52:47.000
00:52:47.000 --> 00:52:52.000
Yeah. Yeah, I get it. And what I wanna say to that is that, well, it's really important for all of us.
00:52:52.000 --> 00:53:06.000
No matter how old or young our children are to remember we're the adults in the room. And when their teenage or their child, you know, they come out, it activates our teenage parts.
00:53:06.000 --> 00:53:13.000
And it activates our child parts. And so sometimes we can respond as teenagers and be little shits back.
00:53:13.000 --> 00:53:19.000
And that's really something to be mindful of in terms of, oh, wow, I'm noticing that I'm activated.
00:53:19.000 --> 00:53:31.000
Okay, what did that bring up in me? Well, Nell says, hey, I'm just gonna take some time with Lola backs that's an opportunity for you to go D escalate, take some time to kind of say, what was that?
00:53:31.000 --> 00:53:38.000
About you know who does Lola remind me of is that there's something because a lot of times that's what it is.
00:53:38.000 --> 00:53:45.000
Where there's this reminder of something said and if you can kind of be curious about it, Curiosity is such a gift.
00:53:45.000 --> 00:53:46.000
00:53:46.000 --> 00:53:53.000
You know, when I was now, when I was Lola's age, Was there someone that treated me this way?
00:53:53.000 --> 00:53:59.000
Was there someone that talked to me this way or around that same age? Well, maybe gosh, I wasn't 16, but I was 12.
00:53:59.000 --> 00:54:12.000
And I remember this mean, you know. Get on the playground or whatever. That can start a beautiful process of Love that Bex at 12.
00:54:12.000 --> 00:54:22.000
Whether you rock yourself. This is what I love about stemming. We soothe ourselves and just imagining holding that younger Bex.
00:54:22.000 --> 00:54:30.000
Just say, hey, we're okay now. I'm this age now. This is, giving that, part of you data.
00:54:30.000 --> 00:54:38.000
This is my partner Nell's teenage daughter. I'm not back in this situation. We're okay.
00:54:38.000 --> 00:54:53.000
So that you can calm your system down. And feel that clarity that comes. When we do tend and befriend those parts of us that are young and wounded that need us to show up.
00:54:53.000 --> 00:55:05.000
Hmm. Yeah, cause I feel like I feel like sometimes like, you know, and I guess it's, I guess it's the autism, the very, the sensory overload.
00:55:05.000 --> 00:55:15.000
And, I mean, cause I'm, cause I've been working on like unmasking I guess and then of course I mean that's hard.
00:55:15.000 --> 00:55:16.000
Yeah, and masking is hard.
00:55:16.000 --> 00:55:22.000
I mean, it's hard. One is like, what is what is the mask? What you know.
00:55:22.000 --> 00:55:28.000
Communication wise like.
00:55:28.000 --> 00:55:47.000
Going through my realizing that people have been speaking in subtext for decades to me, you know, and then and thinking that everything's everything's loaded with subtext because that's what I've learned, you know, all of those things, but also just giving space for my own sensory.
00:55:47.000 --> 00:55:48.000
You know, too much too much sound too much. You know.
00:55:48.000 --> 00:56:00.000
Yes. Yes, yes. And also that. Historically, we know that it's our experience to have been bullied.
00:56:00.000 --> 00:56:20.000
And Lola is activating potentially those parts of you that are younger that have been bullied. And so our hardware is that sensory overload when it's loud or hardware, our software, those parts of ourselves that are wounded.
00:56:20.000 --> 00:56:21.000
00:56:21.000 --> 00:56:27.000
That perhaps just need us to show up and comfort and reassure I got you. This is not the this is not the bully at school.
00:56:27.000 --> 00:56:28.000
00:56:28.000 --> 00:56:36.000
Well, your ex-wife. You know who was that's the thing I think that's going circling back as the corporate people say.
00:56:36.000 --> 00:56:37.000
Okay, okay. Okay.
00:56:37.000 --> 00:56:49.000
Rounding bad. Circling back to an early part of this conversation about about the trauma of being back in Livingston and being in closer communication with my ex.
00:56:49.000 --> 00:56:59.000
Who I spent with whom I spent 15 years. Not knowing why I was having meltdowns, not knowing.
00:56:59.000 --> 00:57:18.000
I mean, I knew I had trauma, you know, and there was but, but also, you know, I had periods of depression.
00:57:18.000 --> 00:57:19.000
Yes, yes. Yes.
00:57:19.000 --> 00:57:32.000
But also was being gaslit and you know. You're crazy and you're this and you're that you know and it was on me it was all on me and I mean even all the while this person was and probably shouldn't.
00:57:32.000 --> 00:57:47.000
Don't think she'll ever listen to this either, but. And. Not only not knowing that I was autistic, but she had an incredible lack of curiosity about what was actually wrong with me.
00:57:47.000 --> 00:57:49.000
Oh, yeah, are going on.
00:57:49.000 --> 00:58:01.000
And that's the thing about now is like Well, when my this psychologist that I was seeing because I kept having these meltdowns and I was just, you know, brought it up.
00:58:01.000 --> 00:58:09.000
And now I think the first thing was, well, what is to be, you know, just, what is to be gained from exploring this?
00:58:09.000 --> 00:58:10.000
00:58:10.000 --> 00:58:21.000
Or whatever. And I had to think about that. Well, what is to begin? And II wanna know, I wanna know what's wrong with me, you know, what's, you know, making me do that.
00:58:21.000 --> 00:58:29.000
You know, I wanna know and this is really interesting because I spent years like diagnosing other people in my family.
00:58:29.000 --> 00:58:30.000
00:58:30.000 --> 00:58:51.000
And this is really interesting because I spent years like diagnosing other people in my family. I mean, informally, obviously, but My father to start with and thinking.
00:58:51.000 --> 00:58:52.000
00:58:52.000 --> 00:59:04.000
And having sort of relating to movie characters or you know other or other people who We're autistic, but not really thinking that that applied to me because Perhaps too social or you know whatever some or too talkative or whatever I'm talkative I realize because I'm always trying to be really precise I have to talk and it drives
00:59:04.000 --> 00:59:14.000
Lola crazy like where you just shut up like I got up the first sentence just it's too much you know and I think you know there is a clash with our neurotypes as well but.
00:59:14.000 --> 00:59:20.000
And so compassion for both of you, if there's a way. That the 2 of you could.
00:59:20.000 --> 00:59:27.000
You know, find a way to communicate if it's too much for her instead of saying shut up because again that's disrespectful.
00:59:27.000 --> 00:59:30.000
Kayla that's disrespectful even if Lola just did this. Right.
00:59:30.000 --> 00:59:40.000
Yeah, well we've talked about going to family therapy because we've thought that we something needs to change and our cause Lola's take on it.
00:59:40.000 --> 00:59:48.000
Oh well I just have to get through 2 more years and then I can leave home and I'll just leave you and Bex to it.
00:59:48.000 --> 00:59:59.000
And obviously There's another way, like we can find new ways of directing that mean that we can have.
00:59:59.000 --> 01:00:00.000
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:08.000
A really lovely 2 years together. Before you go off and do it. But the interesting thing about I'm so glad that we haven't got this conversation and what you said Candice about.
01:00:08.000 --> 01:00:15.000
The entertaining age are getting activated. I'm so glad that you've heard that from Candice because I've tried to say this.
01:00:15.000 --> 01:00:29.000
My own therapist has seen this to me and said this to me years ago. About my own relationship with my then teenager who's now 24 but I think is still interacting with me from that teenage wounded place.
01:00:29.000 --> 01:00:42.000
But so my therapist has said, you know, when you when you're dealing with your daughter, this, your teenage self is getting activated and I see it now in relation to not Lola, who's 16.
01:00:42.000 --> 01:00:48.000
But in relation to Kai, who's Bix's kid. Who's 16?
01:00:48.000 --> 01:00:58.000
I've recognized that very strongly about myself that I get my teenage self gets activations and I respond from a place that isn't centered and grounded and the grown up in the room.
01:00:58.000 --> 01:01:00.000
01:01:00.000 --> 01:01:08.000
But I've said that to Bex and I feel like Bex. Has a not necessarily I don't feel like you've necessarily taken it on board.
01:01:08.000 --> 01:01:10.000
Well, it's not I don't think it's that I haven't taken it on board.
01:01:10.000 --> 01:01:15.000
I think it's true. I'm not really sure what to do with it. I'm not really sure sort of.
01:01:15.000 --> 01:01:25.000
Well, I think that's where we've heard some really good guidance from. I mean, I mean, what it sounds like is you're talking about like nurturing that inner teenager who's you know.
01:01:25.000 --> 01:01:27.000
Been wounded, been wounded.
01:01:27.000 --> 01:01:32.000
Rather than just to stop it shut up and be an adult not I mean I'm selling my stuff.
01:01:32.000 --> 01:01:37.000
Oh yeah, no. Yeah. Yeah.
01:01:37.000 --> 01:01:40.000
Just stop it and be a good job. Which is what I have set very unhelpfully at times.
01:01:40.000 --> 01:01:43.000
I need, I want to be in a relationship with a person who can be a grown up.
01:01:43.000 --> 01:01:48.000
Yeah, and the reality is so if we can be tender with ourselves because we're all human, we say things we regret.
01:01:48.000 --> 01:02:02.000
Okay, so please be tender with yourselves. This is where if you're both curious and any of our listeners are curious about internal family systems, this is what we've been talking about today.
01:02:02.000 --> 01:02:15.000
Because what I love as an IFS therapist. Is that instead of saying, well, you know, like, Shut up and throwing the, you know, getting the naughty room to my little child parts, right?
01:02:15.000 --> 01:02:22.000
It is being curious, you know, I'm just gonna be curious and Wow, you know when.
01:02:22.000 --> 01:02:30.000
You know when gosh when someone says something that hurts me well I noticed my chest hurts okay I'm just gonna get kind of curious what's going on there.
01:02:30.000 --> 01:02:33.000
Wow, okay, you know that feels what you know. I just kind of tune in. What is that?
01:02:33.000 --> 01:02:44.000
Well, that's bringing up a memory of, right? Like I'm saying when I was younger and this happened, okay, can I just tend to and befriend that?
01:02:44.000 --> 01:02:50.000
Sensation or that part of me and get to know it. There's lots of books on internal family systems.
01:02:50.000 --> 01:02:55.000
One of my favorites is by Tammy Saulenberger called the one inside.
01:02:55.000 --> 01:03:01.000
Tammy also has a podcast called The One Inside. And it's just a real.
01:03:01.000 --> 01:03:08.000
Tammy's book is written the way Tammy Talks, which is if you listen to her, she's hilarious, but I love how simple it is.
01:03:08.000 --> 01:03:25.000
That's how my brain works for concrete I just need scripts and things spelled out. And it is just this real beautiful way of saying like, oh, there's that part of you and that what I like to do after I befriend is Gosh, what do you need from me?
01:03:25.000 --> 01:03:29.000
Because for you backstop part and it's not what do you need? What do you need from now?
01:03:29.000 --> 01:03:41.000
What do you need from Lola? I know those parts need need us and oftentimes those parts don't actually know one who we are and 2 that we actually grow up and survived what we came from.
01:03:41.000 --> 01:03:46.000
So if we start with, it's like some nice parts will just say I just needed to say that.
01:03:46.000 --> 01:03:53.000
I just need to just say that I'm hurt and then you go. Oh, I don't feel that anymore.
01:03:53.000 --> 01:04:03.000
So it's like just it can be so simple. Right? Or it might be like I just need you like you might hear inside or get a sensation of like.
01:04:03.000 --> 01:04:14.000
Wow, I just need to actually take some alone time right now. You know, and it again, parts work I think can get kind of abstract for a lot of folks.
01:04:14.000 --> 01:04:23.000
I actually just wrote a chapter with my colleague Meg. Martinez did a Monte for the book, Meg, Martinez Dedamante for the book Altogether Us.
01:04:23.000 --> 01:04:31.000
It's a neuro-inclusive approach to to help people understand like there are ways that we can be curious about our parts.
01:04:31.000 --> 01:04:42.000
Even if it's just like drawing it out. Or listening to music and going like I'm a very tuned in music and I will have parts like Madonna, I was 12.
01:04:42.000 --> 01:04:54.000
I mean, I just think I was cleaning the bathroom at my parents house. I was 12 and borderline Madonna's song borderline came on and I remember it's like I just you know that connects me to those parts of me.
01:04:54.000 --> 01:04:55.000
Yeah, right. Not totally.
01:04:55.000 --> 01:05:04.000
Do you know what I mean? Or right? It's like, so I just wanna put that out there.
01:05:04.000 --> 01:05:05.000
01:05:05.000 --> 01:05:09.000
I mean, clearly we've talked for almost like an hour and a half today, which has just been so beautiful.
01:05:09.000 --> 01:05:10.000
01:05:10.000 --> 01:05:17.000
Yeah, no, thank you. No need to make a face. But just some tips and tools that you know, if you listen to this again.
01:05:17.000 --> 01:05:25.000
Just some tips and tools for navigating what so many mixed neurotype couples, so many same neurotype couples.
01:05:25.000 --> 01:05:37.000
Are working through which is a change in an environment moving all these life stresses and you know, even like blended family, you know, an angry step kid.
01:05:37.000 --> 01:05:47.000
It's like. Thank you both. For being so vulnerable and candid with me and with our audience and also just allowing me to give you some tips and tools.
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We jokingly said this is gonna be a free therapy session. But what I love about the 2 of you is we can go here and I actually get a lot of positive feedback because of the the specific, this specific podcast.
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That the 3 of us do where it is just this. Conversation where it's like. People are gonna listen and go, wow, okay, this is normal.
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Oh my gosh, okay, I love what Nell said. I love how Beck said this. I love what Candice said and I also want to say give you to a shout out because I did a presentation last year and the podcast I took clips of your podcast to show clinicians.
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I want you to listen to this mixed neurotype couple and really how badass they are communicating and really I mean so thank you truly for being such a beautiful example of relationships that work.
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Oh, thank you, Candice.
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And that can work. Thank you.
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Yeah, you're yeah. Yeah.
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You're doing great. Thank you so much. Well, thanks so much for giving us this opportunity because this is the thing like I feel seen because like now, a little bit to Seattle last week and then now, but.
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I've heard of it.
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No brought me back this book called spectrum and it was it was edited by do you know it it's essays by Sure.
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Oh, I love it.
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People, in their own words. And, And of course, then, you know, the first thing is I get sidetracked because the editor looks like our PA or doc, you know, provider.
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And I started talking about her because she's queer and whatever. Yeah. And I started talking about her because she's queer and whatever. And I don't know.
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Like, and, and I don't know. Like, everybody's like, oh, and Rebecca's got this big truck and blower and then I was like.
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Sweetheart, please seeking from you some acknowledgement of me that I got you this book. And the thing is, I actually feel really seen and really touched by this present.
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But then somehow I went off on this rabbit trail.
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So I do that too. I do that too. And I want you to know that. I do that too because that's how our brains work.
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And so my gentle, just gentle invitation is, can we not be hard on ourselves? We look at it as, oh wow, my brain went took me over here to this red truck story and wow, oh Nell's bringing me back.
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And just leave it at that. Just leave it at that. No shame.
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Yeah, no sign. 4 or 5 years. But again, you know, now be really hard to know. But again, you know, now be really hard to set.
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But yeah, I would, I would have left the room and gone and like set on the floor and g10 my god.
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Yes, yeah. But instead, but instead Nell said sweetheart, sweetheart, can you acknowledge and then my guess is you said, oh.
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Thank you so much.
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Yeah, what, no, no, actually said, oh, but this is such a meaningful gift to me.
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And I said, well, what you're doing doesn't express that to me. But also I can recognize in that moment but like I have to I have to know that Bix is always coming from that place is always coming from that place of appreciation of gratitude.
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Of love for me, you know, like instead of, cause my default sitting I don't know, maybe the way.
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I evolved in the world. My default setting is always that. Oh, that person doesn't give a shit.
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Yeah, so great awareness and again that maybe also Well, it's a story from a part of you.
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Yep. It's gone off for time.
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Oh, well, if Tatum's okay with it, we'll go for a few more minutes.
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I'm not hearing it. So yes, thumbs up. Okay, cool. Thumbs up.
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Yeah, it's like so couple things, you know, even if you say now, you know, wow, it didn't feel that way.
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That's an opportunity for Bex to say, again, this is just resolution just resolving it.
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Wow, I'm sorry. Thank you for letting me know. Can we have a do over?
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We need the scripts. That's what we need. Yeah.
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That's why that's why this is recorded and you can listen to it a thousand times. Because Chris and I do that all the time.
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Where it's like. One of us, because it's not just me, right? Sometimes he'll blow it with communication.
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It's like we're human. Humans, there's no right way to communicate truly.
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So sometimes he'll just you know I'll say wow that was really impactful and he'll say can we have a do over yes let's have a do over let's do it again So we just start over and then it's like we move on from it.
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Yep. And, and this, and this is the place where I actually do think it was really good that I was you know, went through the evaluation for autism and you know, some answers as to why.
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Well, no, yeah. Yes.
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I mean, and you know, I just, I what I love about this journey that we're on is I love seeing Bex evolve into their authentic autistic self.
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I love seeing Bex evolve into the authentic autistic self. Like they sit in the kitchen now and they'll rock back and forth on the chair, which when they first started doing the rocking, That's quite hard, but now I'm just like.
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It's like seeing them speak their own language. Like their indigenous language, you know, it's
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Yes. Oh, I love how you just said that because so my my partner Chris is and Lakota, Hawaiian and Japanese, indigenous and when we do ceremony, what I've noticed lately is he started doing this.
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And what he's doing when he's doing this is actually channeling. And so I love that you just brought that in.
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It is a language, right? It is a way that we communicate it's a way that we're tuning in.
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It's to our bodies it's a way that we're calming ourselves so It's just again you're both evolving and how cool is it that we talked like a year ago over a year ago and look where you're still evolving.
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This one is just in the books, huge success. This will always be out there. You too are fantastic, fabulous.
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You're close to us. So we really need to just connect. Offline. Yeah, we just need to, yeah, thank you both really truly.
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Oh. Dido. Oh, thanks. Yeah.
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Yeah. Thank you so much. You are amazing. My gosh.
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Yeah, thank you both. And yeah, my gosh, this is probably the longest one we've done, which is good.
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Thank you so much.
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Necessary. Necessary. Yeah, yeah, I have a dear friend that listens to every single one and I guarantee this one they're going to say.
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That's amazing! So I'll let you know, but. Thank you both. And yeah.
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Thank you, Ken. As well.
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Yeah, yeah, thank you both and I just wanna say to our audience and our listeners, I say this all the time.
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You are a love. Love is the medicine. And love heals. And so can we have more love?
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For ourselves and for those around if we can we can heal each other and Gaia and Gaia is in desperate need of that.
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So, just have a most beautiful day, everyone, until next time. Bye.